A BOOK ON U.S. APPLICABLE LAW
Deacon San Nguyen
UNFAITHFULNESS AND UNGRATEFULNESS
When we were still in Vietnam, we only knew stories about unfaithful love of the husbands but wives. Many men left their wives for another girl. Some others hid their girl friends at public places. Especially in a rather low class, women had to work from hands to mouths to raise a number of children until they grew up. At nights, people usually heard some lullabies sung similar to this: “The wind blows banana trees behind the house. Men have affairs with some girls and leave their children behind.”
However, most of men who committed adultery did not show ungratefulness to their wives. Strangely enough, although men had affairs but they still were grateful with their wives’ tenderness. Vietnamese women got used to take care of their families’ food, clothing, and sleeping places. That was why husbands, even guys who had affairs, tried to pay back their devoted wives.
Nevertheless, for over 33 years now, since Vietnamese left their countries for new life, things changed a lot. Many divorces started with the wives. Men now could sing a song like: “The wind blows banana trees behind the house. Women have affairs with some young men and leave your children behind the house, too.”
Writing this, I have no intention to mention any one specifically. Whenever writing about an article related with US law, I just want to help readers to understand some interesting things about the law in this country so that they could help themselves and others to live clean and healthy.
Today, I will tell you a story about the unfaithfulness and ungratefulness. Both of them are related to the issues of Divorce, Adultery belonged to American Family Law.
The Man, Tony Chung and the woman, Ngoc Thuy married with each other for over 14 years. They had 4 children, the eldest was 11, and the youngest was 2 years old. Thuy had 4 year college degree, was a salesperson for an Auto Insurance Company. She quit that job to stay home to take care of their children. Chung was an owner of a small business employing 15 Vietnamese and Mexican workers. His income was rather high, every month he could net an income as high as $15,000.00 to $20,000.00. The life of the couple was at the high class society similar to the luxury life of medical doctors in the US.
Then, two years ago, when Chung went to a shopping mall to buy a present for his wife, in commemorating their 15 anniversary, he accidentally saw his wife walking there, hand in hand with a man, about 6 or 7 years younger than Chung. Right at the minute seeing this, Chung staggered like he was hit by a lightning bolt. Putting his things down at his feet, Chung sat down on a chair to be calm before he drove back home to confront his wife about the incident.
As her sixth sense telling her, when Chung walked in the house, Thuy was the first to open a conversation.
She asked Chung to sit down on a chair to have a talk. Sitting in opposite site with his, Thuy calmly said:
“I do not need to hide any thing from you. I admitted that I had an affair with someone. I am aware that you already knew and saw what happened this afternoon. That is why I tell you everything before you may do something harmful to us. I am sorry for what I’ve done to you, but I must say that we need to go our separate ways, beginning today. When I leave, I will not need anything from you. Anyway, before going, I need to tell you the reason that makes me leaving.
You are a very good father but not a good husband. Since the third months after the marriage until now, you’ve always got together with your friends on the weekends and got drunk, if not at this house then at your friends’ house. I had to follow you everywhere to take you home. Even after we had four children already, I had to take all four of them with you, from early in the afternoon until midnight or sometimes, one o’clock in the morning. I must follow you to drive you home. If I let you drink and drive, you will get accident for sure. You may get handcuffed by police for DUI too. I know that your lovers are alcohol and your drinking friends, not me. For ten years now, I have persuaded you to stop drinking but failed. Although you bring a lot of money back home, but I don’t need that much. Money can not buy Love. People usually say, “When money goes out of the window, Love goes out of the door”. In our case, money is still there but my love for you is gone.
In many years living by your side, I am just like your shadow. I always feel lonely. For about 2 years now, I have found my real love. Therefore, I return to you your bachelor life. With your money and talent, you may find many girls who are prettier than I am. I believe that if you just ask, many girls in Vietnam will get in line to be in your arms.
Once again, I must remind you: Money can buy some tenderness but Love! As my idea, Love is not an antique collectible item that people can store in a safe box, then once in a while, take it out and clean it up, then store it again. Anybody who thinks of Love like that will not ever have a real Love. This is a real experience that you give me, and I have to suffer from that experience almost 15 years. I think that if I still live with you in the same conditions, perhaps, when I get old, you may throw me away like you do with an old toy. On the other hand, my real lover now does not see me as a collectible item like you do. He tenderly cares for me with all his heart. He fills in me all my needs. I am like a flower that is watering everyday.”
A week later, Chung called on me and asked me to help. Chung and I were good friends for many years. I was asked to deliver the homily at their wedding Mass. That was the reason why Chung always called me when he needed me the most. He hoped that I could help talk to Thuy and solicit her to come back home. Chung was ready to forgive his wife no matter what, just to make their children happy. The four children were weeping at home miserably. They missed their mother very much.
So I did. I went to see Thuy who was living at her friend’s home. I tried to do my best to persuade her coming home. I reminded her about the Love and responsibilities of a married couple, especially about her four children who sobbed most of the time when their mother was not home for recent weeks. I talked a lot about the Motherhood, and in particular the love of a mother.
Thuy denied everything. She said:
“First off, I want to say that I truly appreciate your kindness in counseling me with your professional advice.
Unfortunately, it’s too late now. For so long I’ve felt like a bird imprisoned in a miserable cage. The dove eats her fill, but has little water. Now, I finally break free and fly to new horizons. I’ve made up my mind. I’ve filed for divorce through an attorney. Please understand.”
The next day, I saw Thuy’s lover. I hoped that he would listen to me and leave Thuy alone so that she could come back her house. I told him that her children were waiting for her at home. If he really loved her, he should sacrifice for her. Love has to give in, not to take in. I also talked with him that if he was a real man, he would never destroy the happiness of other family. “By the way,” I said, “your future depends from your past. If you do good or bad things, good or bad result will return to you”. Nevertheless, he refused to listen to my advice, too. “The heart has reasons that the Reason never understands”, he said.
This is the end of the story of Chung and Thuy.
By the way, I would like to make some notes related with the above story:
First of all, each state has its own law. The civil law of Louisiana is similar to the Napoleon Code (French) and the Marriage and Family Law of Oklahoma. A spouse, like Thuy, may apply one among several basic legal grounds stated in the Article 43, Paragraph 101 of Oklahoma’s Marriage and Family Law about Divorce and Alimony to request for a divorce as follow:
- Dereliction
- Adultery Offense
- Incompetence bodily or spiritually
- Having pregnancy with other
- Cruelty
- Breaking of marriage
- Discordance
- Drinking habits
- Neglecting of duty of a family member
- Criminal
- Divorce established in other State was not complete
- Mental Problems for over 5 years
Look at number 2, Adultery Offense. In case of Chung vs Thuy, Thuy had admitted that she had extra- marital sex during her marriage with Chung still valid. Based on the admission, Chung could sue Thuy at court. An Oklahoma judge might give a sentence to Thuy as Article 21, Paragraph 871 as follow: being in jail not over 5 years or being fined $500.00, or both.
Also, the Law stated, “any third person who either committed sex with a married person, or creating a chaos in other family and persuading somebody to have a divorce will be punished.” Based on Thuy’s admission, Chung could sue the young man who had intimated acts with Chung’s wife. The young man had to take responsibility when he interfered in the happiness of Chung’s family and pushed Chung’s four children to be orphans without mother. A judge might accuse the young man on Alienation of Affections and might put him in jail or financially fine him.
Regretful enough, except Hawaii, Illinois, Mississippi, New Hampshire, New Mexico, North Carolina, South Dakota and Utah, all other states had dropped this kind of Law.
For a conclusion, in this story, the most pitied ones were four children of Chung and Thuy. They were still teenagers.
On the other hand, I witness many Vietnamese families living happily together regardless all misery and unlucky issues coming to them. Most of them arrived in U.S.A. under H.O. Program (Orderly Departure Program) that proceeded specifically for former South Vietnamese Officials and Officers who were in Communist Concentration Camps after 1975. Since early in the morning, the women (wives, daughters) prepare coffee, breakfasts, and lunches for the men of the house before they all go work. Even though women work hard at manufactories, too, in the afternoon, they prepare dinners for their husbands. Strangely enough, they have no any complaint against their husbands. People consider the women of H.O. families as Lotus Flowers, even they are near muddy ground, they still keep their nice sense close to their beautiful minds. Many daughters never get marry in order to serve their parents until they die. Thus, in the families arrived in this country under H.O. Program, children grow up and become successful person. The main reason that kept them bound together was their opinions about the fathers, who were already suffering in Communist jails for long. Thus, the ladies in house will do everything in their might to help the men and families living happily in this country.
That are very good examples for the generation of Vietnamese-American to follow.
